Transformers Review with spoilers.

Everything wrong with Transformers in a lot of words...

So we open on 65 milliom years ago. I know this because there are dinosaurs.

It's all very Prometheus. The dinosaurs die because they were turned into metal. Except one who got away. Oh noes!

Is that the one we see Optimus riding in the trailer? Wait, why haven't we found these metal dinosaurs now? Oh, we have. But only one of them? I'm confused. It's explained later, but a good movie should show. Not tell.

Cue some exposition of Fraiser Crane explaining that we're hunting Decepticons and then we see this hunt and oh noes again. It's an Autobot. Wait, the shady government guy was lying. Dum Dum Dum!

Cue text showing "Texas." Cue me sarcastically going woo hoo at the screen. Cue the lady next to me giving me a "hell yeah!" Cue me realizing I do love Texas. Woo hoo is right! Texas Forever! Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose! (I love Friday Night Lights yall.) ok. Enough setup. On to the hate.

So, Marky Mark is a bad inventor who has a hot underage daughter and an idiot for an employee. Gilfoyle from the awesome Silicon Valley. He's buying scrap and notices a beat up truck with mortar shells in it. He buys it to sell for parts to pay for his daughters education because she can't get financial aid. Why not? No idea. They're poor. Haven't paid a mortgage in 6 months. Dad isn't working, but never mind.

So he realizes the truck is a transformer. He removes a missile from it, which doesn't blow up the house and since the bullet is out, the transformer wakes up and it's Optimus. Here's where the ignorance begins.

So Optimus tells Marky Mark and his funky bunch of friends that his autobot friends can fix him. Marky says he can do it and sends funky bunch #1 to the store for parts, who instead calls the government. Who didn't see that coming? Stevie Wonder did. The government shows and when Frasier tells the bad guys to shoot Jailbait, Optimus comes out of hiding to kick ass. Wait. Wasn't he broken? Oh. He is. Ok. So he fights an evil robot and tries to run away.

After some pretty cool explosions, they do. Optimus calls the rest of the autobots and they roll out.

So, while rolling out, optimus scans a bigger, truck and changes into it. But didn't you need someone to fix you? If you could just scan another vehicle and magically transform, why didn't you before? Hey, I can ask questions. I'm not supposed to? Ok. So, all the autobots show up. Wait. They were all in Texas? Oh yeah. No questions. Texas is kinda big so, ok.

So, we got a military robot who smokes a cigar. Not just a cigar like item. It burns and he inhales and exhales smoke. Cause robot lungs or something.

We have a samurai who speaks in haiku and wears a metal but flowing cape/robe and carries two swords and has a Japanese accent.

And we have bumblebee who still hasn't gotten his damn voice box fixed.

And we have a pissed off Optimus who's decided he's gonna kill humans now. Oh noes!

So now we learn that the dudes that killed the dinosaurs gathered the metal and made the transformers and Stanley Tucci figured it all out, so he's melting all the transformers down to make his own. One of the parts he uses is Megatrons head. That'll work out fine I bet. Little wheelie is locked up and helps.

Then wheelie tells us that Megatron wasn't dead and sent a virus, Independence Day style, into the newly made robots. Why the Fuck didn't you tell someone I say to the screen? Why didn't you say something? Jailbait asks wheelie. Did she hear me? No? Ok. He went to a dark place on death row he says. The Fuck?

So, Optimus is caught along with Jailbait who was too stupid/scared to run away from the exploding cars and the fight.

The autobots get on the ship and the humans pass by a weapons cache, including, I Bullshit you not, a large mass of metal with a large sword sticking out of it. I think that maybe that Excalibur there might be important later... Nah. Couldn't possibly be a Knights allusion...

So later, when the autobots need help, Optimus goes and pulls Excalibur from the stone and says he's now the leader of the legendary Knights. Fuck me I hate being right. He runs into a valley and returns with not one, but four big robots who are the legendary warriors.

Where the hell did they come from? We're they in hiding? Who made them? Cause we determined that the people who destroyed the dinosaurs did it to collect the metal. They didn't make anything on Earth. But I guess they did and we never ever saw them in China before. Oh yeah. We're in China now. We got there in like 15 minutes.

So anyway, Optimus whips Grimlok's ass and makes him bow down (TM Ice Cube), so now we have allies. Big ship comes down to magnetize everything and then drop it again. Was there an Inception noise? Don't remember.

Let's see... Big machine... Picks up stuff... Drops it... Are we sure the creators aren't Kyyptonian? I think, shoot the middle of it like Independence Day. Five minutes later, they shoot the middle like Independence Day.

Optimus perseveres with the help of the humans because honor or something.

And then. Then. Optimus. Prime. Flies.

He lights fucking rockets in his legs and flies.

And I immediately think of 20 different times in this movie alone where his flying would have saved lives. Lots of them. It was as preposterous as when R2-D2 flew in Star Wars.

Was that it? No. There were the statutory rape jokes about Jailbait the hot teenage daughter. Jokes about her being a hot teenager. Jokes about her shorts getting shorter. I get it. She's the anti Megan Fox. She was pretty and smart and mostly not useless. But come on.

Marky Mark was pretty good except for his Boston Texas accent.

Luck Charms was an ok Josh Duhamel replacement. But the whole coward thing? I would have shot him where he stood and told my daughter that Galvetron did it.

What did I like about the movie you ask?

Kelsey Grammer as a villain. Loved it. He should play all villains in all movies.

Mark Wahlberg's jokes. Nearly every time I laughed, it was something he said. The spaceship insurance joke was killer.

The women who could kick ass but realistically couldn't overpower a man twice her size. Human fights were not exaggerated.

The knockoff of Bumblebee being called Stinger...

But for everything I like it reminds me of something else that pissed me off.

i.e. Galvatron as a truck that reminds me so much of Goliath, that I kept looking for a black Trans Am called KITT.

I love transformers. I do. I bought the sets back when DVD season sets were like $80 each, and they had the nerve to break the seasons in half.

It's like loving the recipe for your mother's Thanksgiving Day meal and then finding someone who says they can make it for you if you pay them.

You sit at the table mouth watering to taste a meal you haven't had in years. You know it won't be exact, but it has to be close. You take that first bite and realize they fucked it up to high heaven.

The turkey looks like a turkey but is dry and tasteless. The macaroni was baked too hard. The giblet gravy came from a can. And the most horrible is the Pecan pie which was made with chopped nuts rather than whole and they used the wrong Karo syrup.

You were sold a bill of goods based on the nostalgia of your childhood and now you can't get your money back.

So TL:DR version. It was pretty and loud and long but not good. Not good at all.